Joke Thread

After being in prison for 15 years, a man escapes. He breaks into a house to look for money & guns but finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of the bed ties him to a chair. He tied the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he gets up & goes into the bathroom.


The husband tells his wife: "Listen,this guy's a dangerous escaped convict! He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to F*^$ You,don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you or he might kill us. Be strong, honey. I Love You."



The wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I LOVE YOU TOO!
 
A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer.
While drinking he notices on the back shelf, a giant glass jar full of dollar bills. He asks the bartender "what's with all the $"?
The bartender replies, "it's a game customers play. They put $50 in the jar, and have to complete 3 tasks to win the bulk". The man says, shocked, "well what are the tasks? There must be thousands in that jar". The bartender responds "you must pay the $50 before given the tasks". The man refuses and claims that's stupid. But after a few beers, curiosity gets to him and he decides to pay the fee.
The bartender explains "The three tasks are... you must first drink this entire bottle of tequila until it's empty. Next, outback is an angry, stray Rottweiler who has a horrible tooth which needs to be removed. And lastly, upstairs in the apartment is an old lady who's been widowed for 45 years and hasn't had an orgasm since. So you must also give her a wild time to extreme pleasure to win the reward".
The man agrees and starts with a few sips of the spirit, takes a break, then chugs the rest of the entire bottle! Already feeling wasted and dazed, he stumbles out of his stool, and towards the back exit. Once outside, the bartender and other customers can only listen to what is happening. After a few barks and growls, all of a sudden the dog lets out a loud whimper. In stumbles, the daring man, clothes shredded and blood spattered. The customer's mouths were hanging wide open.
The bartender asks " oh my god, nobody's ever done that, is the dog going to be alright?!"
"Ahhhh Don't worry about that damn dog" shouts the drunken man. "Just tell me where the old bitch is who needs that tooth pulled".
 
A newfie calls the police to report his neighbor is hiding marijuana inside of his wood in the wood shed, he explains that he has no idea how he is getting it into the wood.

police go to his house and look into the wood pile and start chopping all the wood into small pieces, they cannot find any marijuana. so they leave.

later that day the caller calls his neighbor .
The neighbor goes on how the police showed up and chopped up all the wood in his shed.
The neighbor then tells this man that he had called and told the police he was hiding marijuana inside his wood.
He replies with what why did you do that ?
then tells the man Happy Birthday .
 
2007 JKU CANADA said:
A newfie calls the police to report his neighbor is hiding marijuana inside of his wood in the wood shed, he explains that he has no idea how he is getting it into the wood.

police go to his house and look into the wood pile and start chopping all the wood into small pieces, they cannot find any marijuana. so they leave.

later that day the caller calls his neighbor .
The neighbor goes on how the police showed up and chopped up all the wood in his shed.
The neighbor then tells this man that he had called and told the police he was hiding marijuana inside his wood.
He replies with what why did you do that ?
then tells the man Happy Birthday .
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A man proposes to a woman and she agrees. Later after the celebration, they get into a bad crash and both die. While standing in front of St. peter, the man asked if it is possible to get married, while in heaven, since being together was their last desire. St. Peter tells them he will go check and walks away. While waiting for quite some time, they discuss various scenarios and what ifs, including what happens if it doesn't work out. Eventually, St. Peter returns and tells them that it is possible and it can be done right away. At this point, the man speaks up and asks if it is possible to divorce if it doesn't work out. To this St. peter replied, It took me 6 weeks to find a priest up here and now you want me to find a damn lawyer?.
 
A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister to help pick out the proper style, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping by the clerk, the items got mixed up. The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.

Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with this note:

Dearest Darling, This is a little gift to show my affection for you on our Anniversary. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked great. I wish I could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. I hope you will like them and wear them for me on Friday night. All my love, P.S. Just think of how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing.
 
A young, attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, "Major, When was the last time you had sex?"

"1956" was his reply.

"No wonder you look so uptight!" She exclaimed. "Major, You need to get out more!"

"I'm not sure I understand you," He answered, while glancing at his watch. "It's only 2014 now."
 
A Russian potato farmer was walking through his field when he came across a magic lamp. When he rubbed the lamp a genie popped out and said you get one wish and only one wish. After thinking about it the farmer said, I wish that every time I take a piss that it would be the best tasting Vodka ever. The genie looked at the farmer and said your wish is my command and it is done. So the farmer went home and pissed in a glass. After hesitating he took a drink and sure enough it was delicious vodka. When his wife came home he let her have a drink. She was amazed and and asked where it came from. He told her and then had to show her. For the next week when she would get home they would share the best vodka. But one day she came home and there wasn't a glass ready for her. She asked where it was and he let her know that she was drinking from the bottle tonight.
 
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt, and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this offended her, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This, she decided, was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis.

With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."
 
Peter goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "Hello, could you give me condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner to meet her parents and I think I may be in with a chance!"


The pharmacist gives him the condom and as Peter was going out he returns and says,"Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike a luck there too."


The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as Peter was leaving again he turns back and says "Give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eye contact and since she invited me for dinner I think she is expecting me to make a move.


During dinner, Peter sat with his girlfriend on the left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the Dad walks in, Peter lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer.


"Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you've given us". 10 minutes after, Peter was still praying "Thank you Lord for your kindness. ...." Ten minutes go by, and Peter is still praying, keeping his head down, very close to the table. They all looked at each other surprised, and his girlfriend was even more surprised than others. She gets close to him and whispers, "I didn't know you were so religious."


Peter with his head still on the table replies, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist!"
 
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at that grocery store anymore either."
 
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