Joke Thread

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech: “And what if I swallow it?”

“No problem,” says the barber. “Just take a laxative and bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
 
A guy goes to the supermarket, and a beautiful woman smiles at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place how he knows her.

So he asks, "Do you know me?"

The woman says, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

His mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says, "My God! Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I banged on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with a wet fish!?"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
 
Little Joey goes to Confession


“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads.”
 
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. "What are you drinking?" he asks the guy.

"Magic beer," the guy says.

"Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?"

Then the guy shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.

"Amazing!" the man says. "Lemme try some of that!" The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof—and plummets 15 stories to the ground.

The bartender shakes his head. "You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman."
 
Wife: There’s trouble with the car. It has Water in the carburetor.

Husband: Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous!

Wife: I tell you the car has water in the carburetor!

Husband: You Don't even know where the carburetor is at. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?

Wife: In the pool.
 
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm, but the farmer can't be found. So, he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
 

A man was telling his buddy,

"You won't believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said,
"Dad, do not pay off my college tuition loan, cancel my allowance, throw away all my clothes and take my iPhone and laptop. In addition, please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and lock me out of your house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to anyone you choose."

"Holy Smokes", replied the friend, "She actually said that?”

The father replied, "Well, she didn't actually put it exactly like that. I'm paraphrasing a little."
"What she actually said was, Dad, meet my new boyfriend, Mohammed. We're going to work together on Biden's 2024 re-election campaign."
 
A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm.

When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.

He said, "They crashed near my farm, so I buried all of them.

One of the police officers ask with shock, "Are you sure they were all dead?"

The farmer said, "Some of them were screaming, "We are still alive" but I didn't believe them. You know how these politicians lie.”
 
A man walks in after a hectic day and says “Baby, I’ve been so busy today that I don’t know if I’m coming or going.”

Wife: Oh, you’re definitely going.

Man: How do you know that?

Wife: Because when you’re coming you look like a stroke victim trying to whistle!
 
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