Joke Thread

A man with two buckets of fish was leaving galveston beach well known for its fishing and was stopped by a game warden. The warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to this beach and let them swim around for about a half-hour, When I whistle, they all come back, jump back into my buckets, and I take 'em home. We do this every night."

"That's a bunch of hooey," said the warden. "Fish can't do that!"

"No, really! says the man. "Here, I'll show you." And he releases the fish in the ocean.

"Well, I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.

The man and the warden stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man asked.

"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden huffs.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?"
 
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP? And why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning.

People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: a drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for a while, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now... my time is UP!

Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book... or not.... it's UP to you.

Now I'll shut UP!
 
A little bit out of season, but:

It snowed last night...

8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man/women/person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up.
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from CBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

By noon it all melted.

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.
 
jdofmemi said:
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP? And why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning.

People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: a drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for a while, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now... my time is UP!

Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book... or not.... it's UP to you.

Now I'll shut UP!
Click to expand...
What's up with that?
 
jdofmemi said:
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP? And why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning.

People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: a drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for a while, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now... my time is UP!

Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book... or not.... it's UP to you.

Now I'll shut UP!
Click to expand...
That is really messed UP. Now I’ll be UP all night thinking about this
 
Two billionaire friends meet.

After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks "So, how's your home life?" The other answers "Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!"

The other guy looks at him astonished "An elephant? Have you gone mad?" The guy replies, smiling "Oh, man, let me tell you, it's the best purchase in my life! He's grazing on the lawn, making it nice and even. Kids love him! Always riding his back and sliding down his trunk, keeps them outside instead of in front of the screen all day. My wife loves him too! He's super strong, helps her with moving things around when I'm not home. And let me tell you, the best thing is: it's kind and smart - the best pet I've ever had!"

The other billionaire scratches his chin. "Yeah, that sounds... kind of amazing actually! How much did you pay for him?" The guy replies "A million bucks! Worth every penny, it's a steal at this price".

The other billionaire says "Sell him to me for two million?" "No, what are you saying? Sell him? His like family!"

"Three million!" "I don't know, man... You really can't put a price on this kind of friendship and usefulness!"

"Alright, five million!" "Five million? Well, okay man, I'll sell him to you, but only because we're friends".

In a few weeks the two billionaires meet up again. The guy who bought the elephant is angry as hell. As soon as he sees his buddy, he starts yelling...

"What THE HELL did you sell me!? Not only does he NOT graze the lawn, he completely destroyed all my garden and trees! There's elephant crap EVERYWHERE, it smells even inside the house! And what was that about kids? They are TERRIFIED of the thing! It's aggressive and massive, and scary! I cannot sleep because he trumpets ALL THE TIME. My wife has been having nightmares, and now I won't hear the end of her bickering until I die! IT'S AWFUL, worst purchase in my life!"

The other billionaire looks at him and says "Well, man, I don't know what to say, with that attitude, you'll never sell an elephant!"
 
Jack walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.
 
My Dear Husband,

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to u for the last 20 years and I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw. Last week, you came home and you didn't even notice I had a new hairdo, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore brand new lingerie. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you are cheating on me or you don't love me. Whatever the case, I'm gone...

Signed,

YOUR EX-WIFE.

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER and I are moving to New Zealand together! Have a nice life!


Dear Ex-Wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what u have been. I watch TV soaps so much because they down out your constant whining and bitching. Too bad that doesn't work anymore. I did notice when you got a hairdo last week, but the first thing that came to my mind was how much you looked like a boy! Since my father raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. When you cooked my favourite meal, u must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years. About the new lingerie, I turned away from you because the $299 price tag was still on it, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my idiot brother had borrowed $300 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million Lotto on Saturday, I left my job and bought 2 tickets for us to Paris, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the LETTER you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me. So take care...

Signed,

Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell And Free!
 
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