Joke Thread

A big daddy shark and a small son shark were cruising by the beach when they spot some swimmers. The son shark says "Look! Let's rush in and grab some lunch"...to which daddy shark replies "Now hold on son, we have to prep them first...stay right here and I'll show you what I mean". So big daddy shark slowly circles the swimmers with his huge dorsal fin sticking out of the water, putting the swimmers into a flailing panic. He then turns to son shark and says " Now they are ready...they are so much more tastier after you scare the shit out of them"...

Hawaiian spearfisherman humor...
 
Two lawyers standing on the courthouse steps when a beautiful woman walks by. First lawyer say “ I’d like to fuck that”! Second lawyer says “ out of what?”


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The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”


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notnalc68 said:
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”


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Click to expand...

Go Johnny..haha
 
"Wife" - "Where have you been? You said you’d be done with golf by noon!”

Husband - "I'm so sorry Honey... but you probably don't want to hear the reason."

Wife - “I want the truth, and I want it NOW !"

Husband - "Fine We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the Clubhouse, I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the Button. ..... On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money. Of course I refuse it - then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton - and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer. She's such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it - one beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. Now I'm in her room....clothes are flying .... the talking stopped....and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30. ...... I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. ............ There. You wanted the truth….you got it.

Wife - "Bullshit! You played 36 holes, didn’t you.



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I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on Jeep Parts?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone Jeeping in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up Drinking, Fishing and Jeeping."
 
TrailHunter said:
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on Jeep Parts?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone Jeeping in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up Drinking, Fishing and Jeeping."
Click to expand...


That is truly inspired!
 
TrailHunter said:
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on Jeep Parts?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone Jeeping in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up Drinking, Fishing and Jeeping."
Click to expand...

:thumb: :thumb:
 
How did Helen Keller parents punish her when she was bad?





They rearrange the furniture.



How did they punish her when she was REALLY bad?





They put a plunger in the toilet.




Why can't Hellen Keller have kids?





The plunger went all the way through.
 
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longarmwj said:
How did Anne Frank's parents punish her when she was bad?





They rearrange the furniture.



How did they punish her when she was REALLY bad?





They put a plunger in the toilet.




Why can't Anne Frank have kids?





The plunger went all the way through.
Click to expand...

Helen Keller. Was that part of the joke?


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