kevman65
Hooked
Walk away smiling, save yourself......
Joke Thread
- Thread starter Sharkey
- Start date
GP NOIR
Hooked
The irony
2007 JKU CANADA
Hooked
Whats the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo ?
One is heavy and the other a little lighter
One is heavy and the other a little lighter
AZVAJKU
Hooked
A small mountain town had a huge squirrel infestation and it was causing problems for everyone in the town to include the churches.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel problem. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel problem. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
AZVAJKU
Hooked
.
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time's sake.
He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age when he asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" he replies, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."
.
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time's sake.
He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age when he asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" he replies, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."
.
OverlanderJK
Resident Smartass
Chinese guy came into the bar and stood next to me and started drinking. I looked at him and asked if he knew any martial arts like kung fu or karate. He got angry and said why you ask me dat? Is it cause I chinese? And I said no, it's cause you're drinking my fucking beer
TrailHunter
Hooked
Real Joke or How you met Eddie?
AZVAJKU
Hooked
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friend’s house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "These are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "Those are enough questions, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is look at her drivers license, it's like a report card; it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an ‘F’ in sex.
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "These are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "Those are enough questions, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is look at her drivers license, it's like a report card; it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an ‘F’ in sex.
AZVAJKU
Hooked
A Hindu, a Muslim and Whoopie Goldberg were on a road trip together when their car broke down in a remote area one night.
They went to a nearby farmhouse for shelter. The farmer said he can put them up for the night, but there are only two spare beds, one of them will have to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu volunteered and took a blanket and pillow out. A minute later, he knocked on the door, and said, "There is a cow in the barn. My religion forbids me from sleeping with a holy animal."
The Muslim man volunteered to go out next and took his blanket and pillow out to the barn. A minute later, he knocked on the door and said, "There’s a pig in the barn. My religion forbids me from sleeping with an unclean animal."
Sighing, Whoopie took her pillow and blanket out to the barn, but a minute later there was a knock on the door.
It was the cow and the pig.
They went to a nearby farmhouse for shelter. The farmer said he can put them up for the night, but there are only two spare beds, one of them will have to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu volunteered and took a blanket and pillow out. A minute later, he knocked on the door, and said, "There is a cow in the barn. My religion forbids me from sleeping with a holy animal."
The Muslim man volunteered to go out next and took his blanket and pillow out to the barn. A minute later, he knocked on the door and said, "There’s a pig in the barn. My religion forbids me from sleeping with an unclean animal."
Sighing, Whoopie took her pillow and blanket out to the barn, but a minute later there was a knock on the door.
It was the cow and the pig.
AZVAJKU
Hooked
While watching "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" in bed, I turned to my wife and asked, "Want to have sex?"
Without even glancing my way, she replied, "No."
"Is that your final answer?" I asked.
"Yes," she said firmly.
"Alright," I said, "then I’d like to phone a friend."
And that’s when the fight began.
AZVAJKU
Hooked
When I went to apply for Social Security, I realized I’d forgotten my ID.
The clerk asked me to unbutton my shirt, and when she saw my silver chest hair, she said, "That’s proof enough," and processed my application.
Excitedly, I told my wife the story when I got home.
She said, "You should’ve dropped your pants; they might’ve given you disability too."
And that’s when the fight began.
AZVAJKU
Hooked
When the lawn mower broke, my wife kept hinting I should fix it, but I always had other priorities.
One day, I came home to find her in the yard, cutting the grass with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched for a moment, then silently went into the house. When I returned, I handed her a toothbrush and said, "When you’re done, you might as well sweep the driveway too."
The doctors say I’ll recover, but I’ll always walk with a limp.
AZVAJKU
Hooked
At her high school reunion, my wife couldn’t stop staring at a drunken man at a nearby table.
"Do you know him?" I asked.
"Yes," she sighed. "He’s my old boyfriend. I hear he started drinking right after we broke up and hasn’t been sober since."
I said, "Wow! Who knew someone could celebrate that long?"
And that’s when the fight began.
Bullwinckle
Hooked
kevman65
Hooked
I say not a true story.
@Traciehue wouldn't let you survive so you wouldn't be here to tell everyone.....
AZVAJKU
Hooked
One Saturday, I got up early to go fishing, but heavy rain and wind forced me to cancel.
I quietly undressed and slipped back into bed, cuddling up to my wife. "Terrible weather out there," I whispered.
Without turning around, she replied, "Can you believe my idiot husband went out fishing in this?"
And that’s when the fight began.