pewpew82
Caught the Bug
I feel personally attacked.
Joke Thread
- Thread starter Sharkey
- Start date
AZVAJKU
Hooked
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and
I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies. "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and
I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies. "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
AZVAJKU
Hooked
.
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The old blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The old blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
AZVAJKU
Hooked
LEMON PICKERS NEEDED IN FLORIDA – ONLY US CITIZENS OR LEGAL IMMIGRANTS NEED APPLY.
Ms. Sally Mulligan of Coral Springs , Florida, read it, and decided to apply for one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.
She submitted her application for a job in a Florida lemon grove, but seemed far too qualified for the job.
She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan, and a master's degree from Michigan State University.
For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker, and also as a school teacher.
The foreman studied her application, frowned and said, "I see that you are well educated, and have an impressive resume. However, I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said... "I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, and voted for Biden."
She started work yesterday…
Ms. Sally Mulligan of Coral Springs , Florida, read it, and decided to apply for one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.
She submitted her application for a job in a Florida lemon grove, but seemed far too qualified for the job.
She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan, and a master's degree from Michigan State University.
For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker, and also as a school teacher.
The foreman studied her application, frowned and said, "I see that you are well educated, and have an impressive resume. However, I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said... "I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, and voted for Biden."
She started work yesterday…
GP NOIR
Hooked
The year is 2028 and the United States has elected Sarah Goldstein, as the first Jewish- and woman- President.
Sarah calls her mother and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration."
"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."
"Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One for you and Papa. A limousine will pick you up at your door."
"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmaltzy; what on earth would we wear?
Sarah replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York. Papa will get a tailored suit and the finest doctors to look after him."
"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."
"Don't worry. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way. I really want you and Papa to come."
So Mom and Papa agree and on January 20, 2029, they are siting in the front row as their daughter is being sworn in. Mom leans over to the senator sitting next to her. "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, taking the oath of office as President of the United States?"
The senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."
Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."
Sarah calls her mother and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration."
"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."
"Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One for you and Papa. A limousine will pick you up at your door."
"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmaltzy; what on earth would we wear?
Sarah replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York. Papa will get a tailored suit and the finest doctors to look after him."
"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."
"Don't worry. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way. I really want you and Papa to come."
So Mom and Papa agree and on January 20, 2029, they are siting in the front row as their daughter is being sworn in. Mom leans over to the senator sitting next to her. "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, taking the oath of office as President of the United States?"
The senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."
Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."
jeeeep
Hooked
Man sitting in church and the preacher is preaching about being ready to stand before Jesus.
He asks all the men if they've lived life as a good man, been honest, been faithful, been righteous in all their dealings and are they ready to stand before Jesus?!
All but one man raised their hand and shout hallelujah! I'm ready to stand before Jesus!
After the sermon, the preacher goes to the man who did not raise his hand and asks him why he did not raise his hand, are you not honest? faithful? righteous in all your dealings? the man answered "yes preacher I am all those things, I thought you meant stand before Jesus today"
He asks all the men if they've lived life as a good man, been honest, been faithful, been righteous in all their dealings and are they ready to stand before Jesus?!
All but one man raised their hand and shout hallelujah! I'm ready to stand before Jesus!
After the sermon, the preacher goes to the man who did not raise his hand and asks him why he did not raise his hand, are you not honest? faithful? righteous in all your dealings? the man answered "yes preacher I am all those things, I thought you meant stand before Jesus today"
2007 JKU CANADA
Hooked
did you take Ripley to the bar last night
WJCO
Meme King
So corny, lol.
jeeeep
Hooked
somebody needs less time on their hands... but I read it, twice
AZVAJKU
Hooked
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A female checker walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was just about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."
He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the girl was that told him about his "barracks door."
He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"
The girl thought for a moment and said:
"No, no I didn't....... but I saw a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.".......
A female checker walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was just about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."
He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the girl was that told him about his "barracks door."
He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"
The girl thought for a moment and said:
"No, no I didn't....... but I saw a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.".......
AZVAJKU
Hooked
.
A man walked into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The server asked for their orders. The man said, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turned to the ostrich, “What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,” said the ostrich.
A short time later the server returned with their order. “That will be $50.75 please.” The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich came on again and the man said, “A hamburger, fries, and a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”
Again the man reached into his pocket and paid with exact change.
The following day they both walked in again.
“The usual?” asked the server. “No, it is Friday, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and a shot of Tequila,” said the man.
“Same,” said the ostrich.
Shortly the server brought the order and said, “That will be $112.50.”
Once again, the man pulled the exact change out of his pocket and placed it on the table.
The server can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”
“Well,” said the man, “Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie popped out and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“Awesome,” said the server. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!”
“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there,” said the man.
The server asked, “But, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The man sighed, paused, and answered, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agreed with everything I said.”
.
A man walked into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The server asked for their orders. The man said, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turned to the ostrich, “What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,” said the ostrich.
A short time later the server returned with their order. “That will be $50.75 please.” The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich came on again and the man said, “A hamburger, fries, and a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”
Again the man reached into his pocket and paid with exact change.
The following day they both walked in again.
“The usual?” asked the server. “No, it is Friday, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and a shot of Tequila,” said the man.
“Same,” said the ostrich.
Shortly the server brought the order and said, “That will be $112.50.”
Once again, the man pulled the exact change out of his pocket and placed it on the table.
The server can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”
“Well,” said the man, “Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie popped out and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“Awesome,” said the server. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!”
“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there,” said the man.
The server asked, “But, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The man sighed, paused, and answered, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agreed with everything I said.”
.
WJCO
Meme King
The slower you read it, the funnier it is.
NOTES FROM A TEXAS CHILI COOK-OFF
Includes notes from an inexperienced chili tester named Clay, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast. Clay notes: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting - So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
CLAY: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could use it to remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
CLAY: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
CLAY: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now- get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
CLAY: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB. bitch is starting to look HOT ... . . just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CLAY: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage; a barmaid saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!
CLAY: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. Can't feel my lips anymore. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress and he is cursing uncontrollably.
CLAY: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach
CHILI # 8 - HELEN's MOUNT SAINT CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
CLAY: (Not available for comment.)
NOTES FROM A TEXAS CHILI COOK-OFF
Includes notes from an inexperienced chili tester named Clay, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast. Clay notes: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting - So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
CLAY: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could use it to remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
CLAY: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
CLAY: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now- get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
CLAY: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB. bitch is starting to look HOT ... . . just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CLAY: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage; a barmaid saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!
CLAY: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. Can't feel my lips anymore. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress and he is cursing uncontrollably.
CLAY: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach
CHILI # 8 - HELEN's MOUNT SAINT CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
CLAY: (Not available for comment.)
Trail Bud
Hooked
That is hilarious!!
