Joke Thread

And...

A guy walks up to a job site looking for work.

Foreman: What do you do?

Guy: I’m a carpenter.

Foreman: Yeah? Let me see you flip your hammer.

The guy tosses his hammer, it flips once, and he catches it easily.

Foreman: That’s pretty good, let me see you flip it twice.

The guy tosses his hammer, it flips twice, and he catches it easily again.

Foreman: Get the fuck outta here! Last thing I need is another guy standing around flipping his hammer!


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Safe at last!


I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my front window.
I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.
I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN Buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole.


Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.
Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way, and security can't pat me down. If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today.

Hot Damn... Safe at last.
 
WJCO said:
Safe at last!


I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my front window.
I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.
I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN Buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole.


Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.
Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way, and security can't pat me down. If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today.

Hot Damn... Safe at last.
Click to expand...

[emoji23][emoji23]…[emoji848]…[emoji22]


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Two guys out for a short hike when one of them gets bitten by a rattlesnake on his penis. The other guy calls the hospital and says "my friend just got bitten by a rattlesnake on his penis...what should I do?"...to which the doctor replied "you need to cut an X on the wound and suck the poison out". The man who was bitten asks his friend "what did the doc say?" To which he replies " the doc says you're gonna die"...
 
I invented a new game. To win, you have to describe Hell’s Revenge without swearing. I’ll go first:

#@$&*%!!@# $#@&§¥£€ &$#@}{^~ # #£§€%##@ !!!!!!!!!!!!!



Well, that didn’t work.





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Good2Go said:
I invented a new game. To win, you have to describe Hell’s Revenge without swearing. I’ll go first:

#@$&*%!!@# $#@&§¥£€ &$#@}{^~ # #£§€%##@ !!!!!!!!!!!!!



Well, that didn’t work.





Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

I’ll try: it’s a hard trail my Jeep isn’t built for da$@&?. Crap I failed.


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A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex.

Husband: "Sukitaki. Mojitaka!"
Wife replies: "Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!"
Husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"
Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"
Husband shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!"
I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this. You don't know Japanese. You'll read anything as long as it's about sex. Get help you sicko!
 
MTG said:
A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex.

Husband: "Sukitaki. Mojitaka!"
Wife replies: "Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!"
Husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"
Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"
Husband shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!"
I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this. You don't know Japanese. You'll read anything as long as it's about sex. Get help you sicko!
Click to expand...

lol... pretty much, yeah.
 
What did Jeff Goldblum say before he got in the Jeep?

“Look!.... Dynatracs!!

(I was at Universal studios 2 days ago...)
IMG_7033.JPG

Dyna.... Dino... Dino tracks... nevermind, bad joke. [emoji51]
 
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God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wants to get into Heaven.

The woman said she would try her best. God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs in high heels, and made love to me right then and there."

"They don't like that in heaven", said God.

The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Costco either!”
 
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Sharkey said:
God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wants to get into Heaven.

The woman said she would try her best. God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer

and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs in high heels, and made love to me right then and there."

"They don't like that in heaven", said God.

The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Costco either!”
Click to expand...

:cheesy: :clap2:
 
Sharkey said:
God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wants to get into Heaven.

The woman said she would try her best. God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer

and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs in high heels, and made love to me right then and there."

"They don't like that in heaven", said God.

The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Costco either!”
Click to expand...

Lol!!! That was great.
 
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