onlyone
Active Member
I’m not sure if anything is going to make sense and I’m not really good at this. Not really sure why I’m starting this thread. Maybe I need to vent to a bunch of people that I know and at the same time, don’t, or maybe just because I’m a bit tired of venting to a mirror.
I can’t really remember what life’s goodness felt like. Before cancer. I see my wife struggle in a hospital bed wanting to give up, yet selfishly, I tell her to please stop that and fight. I see the pain in her eyes and hear it in her short breaths, when she gets what little sleep she can, as I watch her to make sure she’s still breathing. That visceral pain that your body feels when one of your organs is badly damaged.
I‘m not sure I’m even talking about the goodness that we attribute to a spouses smile, a happy story they tell, or even a Jeep trail or buying a new Jeep part (For all of us Jeep idiots) I think that might be in a sense, goodness. Maybe happiness. For now, let’s just start there. I think I’m talking about before cancer. Those days we take for granted, but not intentionally. Waking up too early before the alarm goes off and complaining about it internally. Waking up and talking to your furry fellas like they are people. Seeing the morning sun. Things we forget on our way to work. Even going to work without that knowing. Those small times of goodness.
I understand those times but I forgot what they felt like. I mean, I try to feel them, and I don’t mean there isn’t times that we smile together and maybe laugh. All hope isn’t lost. She is a fighter. I think im trying to say that there was a time not long ago that there was Days, Weeks, Months and Years of life’s goodness. Now, maybe is it seconds and minutes? Cancer seems to imprint on your soul. It’s always now a part of you. You can’t erase it. Once it’s there it doesnt let go. I’m sure just like all horrible diseases.
We haven’t given up. It may sound like it from this post but we haven’t. I’m just trying to remember how it was to feel good. Maybe I do in a different sense. Maybe the goodness is the same, but measured in those little seconds, minutes. I’m sad, mad, and sick of that feeling of sorrow and selfish pain every day.
Maybe that sorrow is goodness because if I didn’t feel it, that means I couldn’t have felt love. I still can’t remember though.
Sorry for the long post. I’ve never shared anything like this before. I like to joke and cover up my pain but maybe I shouldn’t anymore. Through all of this that I feel, I can’t even begin to know how that sweet, wonderful wife of mine feels. I fucking hate cancer. Yeah I know, a bumper sticker but we sure know the feeling.
I know we aren’t alone but as I walked outside tonight, I saw these lonely halls in this huge hospital and couldn’t help but take some pictures of them but also a beautiful sunset. I found a picture of us from 20 years ago. I remember the goodness here. Funny how we explored all this land and rarely took pictures of each other together. Before selfies. Maybe that’s why I remember that.
28 years together. I know God is there like a father listening and comforting us, but I am just a bit lost and hopefully one day I might understand this suffering she is stuck with.
I can’t really remember what life’s goodness felt like. Before cancer. I see my wife struggle in a hospital bed wanting to give up, yet selfishly, I tell her to please stop that and fight. I see the pain in her eyes and hear it in her short breaths, when she gets what little sleep she can, as I watch her to make sure she’s still breathing. That visceral pain that your body feels when one of your organs is badly damaged.
I‘m not sure I’m even talking about the goodness that we attribute to a spouses smile, a happy story they tell, or even a Jeep trail or buying a new Jeep part (For all of us Jeep idiots) I think that might be in a sense, goodness. Maybe happiness. For now, let’s just start there. I think I’m talking about before cancer. Those days we take for granted, but not intentionally. Waking up too early before the alarm goes off and complaining about it internally. Waking up and talking to your furry fellas like they are people. Seeing the morning sun. Things we forget on our way to work. Even going to work without that knowing. Those small times of goodness.
I understand those times but I forgot what they felt like. I mean, I try to feel them, and I don’t mean there isn’t times that we smile together and maybe laugh. All hope isn’t lost. She is a fighter. I think im trying to say that there was a time not long ago that there was Days, Weeks, Months and Years of life’s goodness. Now, maybe is it seconds and minutes? Cancer seems to imprint on your soul. It’s always now a part of you. You can’t erase it. Once it’s there it doesnt let go. I’m sure just like all horrible diseases.
We haven’t given up. It may sound like it from this post but we haven’t. I’m just trying to remember how it was to feel good. Maybe I do in a different sense. Maybe the goodness is the same, but measured in those little seconds, minutes. I’m sad, mad, and sick of that feeling of sorrow and selfish pain every day.
Maybe that sorrow is goodness because if I didn’t feel it, that means I couldn’t have felt love. I still can’t remember though.
Sorry for the long post. I’ve never shared anything like this before. I like to joke and cover up my pain but maybe I shouldn’t anymore. Through all of this that I feel, I can’t even begin to know how that sweet, wonderful wife of mine feels. I fucking hate cancer. Yeah I know, a bumper sticker but we sure know the feeling.
I know we aren’t alone but as I walked outside tonight, I saw these lonely halls in this huge hospital and couldn’t help but take some pictures of them but also a beautiful sunset. I found a picture of us from 20 years ago. I remember the goodness here. Funny how we explored all this land and rarely took pictures of each other together. Before selfies. Maybe that’s why I remember that.
28 years together. I know God is there like a father listening and comforting us, but I am just a bit lost and hopefully one day I might understand this suffering she is stuck with.
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