Joke Thread

An atheist, a cross fitter, and a vegan walk into bar. Everybody in the bar knows they're an atheist, cross fitter, and vegan because the three of them would not stop talking about being an atheist, cross fitter, and vegan.
 
A blonde police officer pulls over a speeding car. She approaches the driver, another blonde. She asked the driver for her drivers's license.

The blonde speedster starts digging through her purse when she asked "What does it look like?" The cop said "its rectangular and has your picture on it."

"Here it is" the driver says as she hands her pocket mirror to the officer.

The officer hands it back and says "You are free to go, I didn't realize you were a cop"
 
How to catch a Polar bear.
Cut a hole in the ice and spread some pea's around it. When the polar bear shows up to take a pea, kick him in the icehole!
 
I swear I'm goin to hell for telling this joke...


A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street.

Priest looks over and sees a little boy walking on the other side of the street.

Priest looks to the rabbi and says, "What do you say we cross the street and screw that little boy?"

Rabbi looks back and replies, "Outa' what?"



Ba-Dum-Pssssh.... :grayno:
 
little johnny

LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."


The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.
 
trailraider said:
LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."


The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.
Click to expand...

Lol. Good one.
 
So Little Johnny is in math class when the teacher presents him with a math question. If there are three birds on a fence and the farmer shoots one, how many are left? Johnny thinks and says none. The teacher replies, no Johnny, listen, there are three birds on a fence, a farmer shoots one bird, how many are left? Johnny thinks for a moment and again says none. The teacher fearing Johnny is not getting it says look, if there are three birds and the farmer shoots one, two are left. Johnny replies no, if there are three birds on the fence and the farmer shoots one, the other two will fly away. The teacher taken aback a bit says ok Johnny, that is not what I was going for but I do like your thought process. The teacher then begins to ask another question to another student when Johnny interrupts her.

Johnny says I have a question for you..... three ladies are at the ice cream parlor eating an ice cream cone. The first one is licking hers, the second is chewing hers and the third one is sucking hers. Which one is married? The teacher was not sure how to get out of this but finally decides to answer and says well Johnny I suppose it's the one sucking on it.

Johnny replies......Nope, its the one with the wedding ring, but I like your thought process.
 
An old Hillary joke. Another classroom joke:


Hillary Clinton visited an elementary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks, “And what’s your name?”
“Kenny.” the boy replied.
“And what is your question, Kenny?” asked Senator Clinton.

“I have three questions: First – whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second – why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And, Third – whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?” asked Kenny.

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary said, “Okay where were we? Oh, that’s right, question time. Who has a question?”

A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.
“Larry.” the little boy replied.
“And what is your question, Larry?” asked Senator Clinton.

“I have five questions: First – whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second – why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third – whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth – why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And, Fifth – where's Kenny?”
 
A middle aged couple that had been married for quite a few years get into another huge argument over something stupid. Husband yelling, wife yelling back, on and on. Finally the wife gets up and runs upstairs, grabs her suitcase from under their bed opens it up and starts throwing clothes into it. The husband walks into the bedroom and asks "now where the hell arte you going?" Wife, sobbing answers, "I'm moving out to Vegas to stay with my sister Chanel!" she yells at him. "Chanel!?" the husband replies. "Why would you want to go live with her, she's a hooker!" "Well", she replies back, "She told me if I ever wanted to I could move in with her and she could get me a job turning tricks!" the husband laughing hysterically, grabs his suitcase and starts throwing his clothes into it. The wife asks, "now where the hell are you going?" I'm going to Vegas too!" he says. "I gotta see how you're gonna survive on having sex twice a year!"
 
colo dean said:
So Little Johnny is in math class when the teacher presents him with a math question. If there are three birds on a fence and the farmer shoots one, how many are left? Johnny thinks and says none. The teacher replies, no Johnny, listen, there are three birds on a fence, a farmer shoots one bird, how many are left? Johnny thinks for a moment and again says none. The teacher fearing Johnny is not getting it says look, if there are three birds and the farmer shoots one, two are left. Johnny replies no, if there are three birds on the fence and the farmer shoots one, the other two will fly away. The teacher taken aback a bit says ok Johnny, that is not what I was going for but I do like your thought process. The teacher then begins to ask another question to another student when Johnny interrupts her.

Johnny says I have a question for you..... three ladies are at the ice cream parlor eating an ice cream cone. The first one is licking hers, the second is chewing hers and the third one is sucking hers. Which one is married? The teacher was not sure how to get out of this but finally decides to answer and says well Johnny I suppose it's the one sucking on it.

Johnny replies......Nope, its the one with the wedding ring, but I like your thought process.
Click to expand...

Lol that's a good one.
 
One morning, on the way to school, a bus full of Catholic school girls lost control and flew off the road into a river. Sadly, all of them passed away.
After their souls rose to the gates of heaven they were ordered by St. Peter to line up single file and wait for their turn to enter. "I will ask you each only one question and whoever answers honestly will be let into the gates," St. Peter instructed.
Little Susie was first and St. Peter asked "Susie have you ever encountered a P*nis." "Yes, I once gazed upon one" she said. Impressed by her honesty St. Peter said calmly, "It's OK my child, wash your eyes in the holy water and you shall enter the gates of heaven." Susie splashed holy water into her eyes and she was allowed to enter the gates of heaven.
Next up was Jasmine and St. Peter asked the same question. Jasmine admitted to touching a P*nis so she was instructed to wash her hands in the holy water. She did and after her sins were forgiven, St. Peter let her into the gates as well.
All of the sudden there was a loud commotion in the back of the line. Little Lacey came shoving and pushing all the way from the back until she was face to face with St. Peter. "Calm down my child, don't you know that there is enough room for all of my children to enter so long as you tell the truth??" he asked.
"I know, I am sorry" exclaimed Lacey! "But if I am going to have to gargle the holy water, I want to do it before Jackie sticks her ass in it!!"
 
tastethebeast said:
One morning, on the way to school, a bus full of Catholic school girls lost control and flew off the road into a river. Sadly, all of them passed away.
After their souls rose to the gates of heaven they were ordered by St. Peter to line up single file and wait for their turn to enter. "I will ask you each only one question and whoever answers honestly will be let into the gates," St. Peter instructed.
Little Susie was first and St. Peter asked "Susie have you ever encountered a P*nis." "Yes, I once gazed upon one" she said. Impressed by her honesty St. Peter said calmly, "It's OK my child, wash your eyes in the holy water and you shall enter the gates of heaven." Susie splashed holy water into her eyes and she was allowed to enter the gates of heaven.
Next up was Jasmine and St. Peter asked the same question. Jasmine admitted to touching a P*nis so she was instructed to wash her hands in the holy water. She did and after her sins were forgiven, St. Peter let her into the gates as well.
All of the sudden there was a loud commotion in the back of the line. Little Lacey came shoving and pushing all the way from the back until she was face to face with St. Peter. "Calm down my child, don't you know that there is enough room for all of my children to enter so long as you tell the truth??" he asked.
"I know, I am sorry" exclaimed Lacey! "But if I am going to have to gargle the holy water, I want to do it before Jackie sticks her ass in it!!"
Click to expand...

Lol. Awesome.
 
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
” Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
 
trailraider said:
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
” Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
Click to expand...

Lol. Good one.
 
So John was living in a retirement home. He was the kind of guy everyone loved, always happy and bringing everyone around him joy. One day the head nurse noticed John walking down the hall just moping and looking pretty bummed. The nurse stopped him and asked why he didn't seem to be his usual cheery self. John told the nurse, this morning my pecker died. The nurse kinda chuckled to her self and offered her condolence to him and went about her day. The next morning the head nurse again saw John walking down the hall. This time his pecker was hanging out in the wind as he walked down the hall. The nurse stopped John and said my goodness John, your thing is hanging out where everyone can see. John replied well, I told you yesterday my pecker died. The nurse replied yes, I remember you telling me that. Well John said, today is the viewing :)
 
colo dean said:
So John was living in a retirement home. He was the kind of guy everyone loved, always happy and bringing everyone around him joy. One day the head nurse noticed John walking down the hall just moping and looking pretty bummed. The nurse stopped him and asked why he didn't seem to be his usual cheery self. John told the nurse, this morning my pecker died. The nurse kinda chuckled to her self and offered her condolence to him and went about her day. The next morning the head nurse again saw John walking down the hall. This time his pecker was hanging out in the wind as he walked down the hall. The nurse stopped John and said my goodness John, your thing is hanging out where everyone can see. John replied well, I told you yesterday my pecker died. The nurse replied yes, I remember you telling me that. Well John said, today is the viewing :)
Click to expand...

Haha, OPEN CASKET!
 
Moesha Plotniks Laundry

Moesha Plotniks Laundry

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners, etc. When he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign 'Moesha Plotnik's Laundry." 'Moesha Plotnik?' he wondered. 'How does that belong in Chinatown ?' He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking dry cleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo 'Moesha Plotnik's Chinese Laundry.' The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase. The tourist asked, 'Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moesha Plotnik's Laundry?'' The old man answered, 'Ah..Evleebody ask me dat. It name of owner.' Looking around, the tourist asked, 'Is he here now?' 'It me, Me him!' replied the old man. Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a Jewish name like Moesha Plotnik?'' It simple' said the old man. 'Many, many year ago I come to this country.I, standing in line at 'Document Center of Immiglation.' Man in front of me was man from Poland.' 'Lady at counter look at him and say to him, 'What you name?'
He (Polish man) say to her, 'Moesha Plotnik.' Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sam Ting.'
 
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